Exhibit 14.14

Post-Thanksgiving Thoughts

I really meant to post something over the long weekend but instead I got sucked into killing time in other, less common ways like avoiding the repeatedly proffered horseradish-cranberry dressing and awkwardly handling what I’m told is “my” shotgun. The aftermath:

*November was my least bloggy month since…last November. The lesson here is that I’m easily distracted by holidays I don’t enjoy. Keep this in mind when you check for posts during National Radon Action Month.

*During an extended period of Friday malaise brought about by a bad writing day, I found myself watching television and caught four minutes of what I assume is the worst movie ever made (even the title is awesomely bad, not to mention the tagline).

Here’s the story: I was flipping channels and caught Delroy Lindo. Turns out, I stop flipping channels for Delroy Lindo. I actually enjoy knowing this about myself.

Anyway, I then saw Kirstie Alley who appears to be playing a mentally challenged person. I could tell because she’s slurring her words, talking in a high voice, and generally acting like she was ten. Let me save you the time looking this up: no, she did not win an Oscar. I was captivated by this performance like it was a train wreck on the deck of the Titanic which just hit the Hindenburg–give me a second to run a hyperbole check….nope, that’s about right–but then it got even worse/better because she started badgering a reluctant Delroy Lindo to propose to her.

Now, I’d been watching about thirty seconds of this movie so I had no grounding for what was happening, but I was convinced that Delroy Lindo’s character was flustered because he wasn’t mentally challenged and was just trying to find a nice way to say no. When he finally proposes, he looks like he’s just been given a death sentence (which I assume is what Kirstie Alley’s career was given after this performance! Snark!). So I turn off the TV and assume that our man Delroy is about to go buy some candy rings and find a janitor to pull off some kind of fake wedding when I look up the movie on IMDb and find out that they were both supposed to be mentally challenged.

Frankly, I like this even more because it means Delroy Lindo and Kirstie Alley had to have this conversation on the first day of shooting:

Delroy: Oh, are you going to do it like that?
Kirstie: Yes. How are you going to do it?
Delroy: Um, I’m going to do it a different way.
Kirstie: Different how?
Delroy: I don’t know, I was thinking dignified.
Kirstie: Youz gotz to get down on you kneeses to propos!

*As you can tell, it was a very memorable four minutes of watching the Lifetime Movie Network for me.

*James has me rethinking wearing ringer t-shirts. So there’s that. It was great to see him again, but I’m not sure he and his fiance had to deconstruct my carefully thought out “Guy who wears ringer t-shirts” persona so quickly. Or maybe they did.

*Also good to see: my cousin Chris (who has gotten bigger), Tyrone and Julee (who are the same great sizes), and my beloved grandmas (who are possibly smaller but still big in heart).

*The Dolphins now control their own playoff destiny, but it would mean winning two tough divisional road games. I would put their chances somewhere close to the odds that I finish The World According to Garp by the time the company book club meets.

*Oh, and I no longer have a brother. I can handle the turkey hunting, I can handle you not picking me up for Thanksgiving, but I draw the line at costing me 1st place.

*You’re getting close to crossing the line, too, Kaitlin, Dad, Brett, Dan Marino, Justin, weather, upstairs neighbor, and Jeff Tweedy.

2 Comments / Posted in Grandmas, Holidays, Lifetime Movie Network


  1. Is Kirstie Alley the reason you no longer have a brother?

  2. elisabeth says:

    Have you seen “Riding the Bus with My Sister?” It’s where Rosie O’Donnell plays a woman with Down’s Syndrome. Memorable line #1: “We need toilet seat assistance in Row Number One!” Memorable line #2: “Want me to scare you? BOO BOO BOO!”

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