Who’s Next? Minnesota.

Exhibit 10.23

I don’t have a favorite professional basketball team, mostly because I don’t like the sport. While this small handicap has never kept me from casually following a team before–hello, Chicago Blackhawks–I’ve begun to feel like I need to hop on a bandwagon lest I find myself alone with Spike Lee and, faced with a dearth of other conversation topics, have to talk about Crooklyn.

So I’m thinking about jumping on this new Oklahoma City team’s bandwagon, but I can’t decide if it’s worth it. The case:

Kevin Durant
Good G.M.
What is sure to be an ecstatic fanbase
Closest team to Lincoln (well, more or less tied with Minnesota anyway)

Team did more to destroy Seattle than the movie Singles
Will undoubtedly choose a horrible name/color scheme
No history at all
All the players are going to hate OKC

Those are some pretty daunting minuses. I know we’re all thinking this, but rooting for this team will be a little bit like rooting for the Transcaucasian Democratic Federative Republic. It’s a compromise solution springing from tragedy, nobody inside or outside the organization wants to be there except for a select few, and there’s a distinct feeling that sooner or later everyone is going to come to their senses and we’ll all go home.

That said, it’s a pretty compelling opportunity to grow with a new team that isn’t going to have the collection of stiffs and bad contracts of an expansion team. This whole thing might come down to the mascot. If they pick the Thunderbirds, I’m out. If they pick The Fabulous Thunderbirds and feature Jimmie Vaughan on their jerseys, I’m back in.

2 Comments / Posted in Basketball, Sports, Who's Next? Minnesota.

Exhibit 4.6

So this is bizarre.

I apparently now have a page on Creighton University’s Nebraska Center for Writers which is a little embarrassing as I don’t really have anything to offer anyone–including the two of you reading this–and certainly shouldn’t be mentioned as a representative (no matter how insignificant) of any municipality or state.

I’ve been to the page recently (it is, sadly, a good way to spend the last hour of work) and I certainly wasn’t on there before. Ignoring for a second the question of who told them about me, I really want to rewrite my bio so it doesn’t mention my tiny moments but instead mentions my sterling Nebraska credentials.

Things I might mention:

  • Really like Amigos.
  • Once had allergic reaction at Fort Robinson.
  • Know that Kanye West’s song “The Good Life” is about Alma.
  • Have been to Alma.
  • As a boy, worried that Omaha would get blown up by the Soviets due to SAC.
  • Can say things like, “Is that by Alliance?” with credibility.
  • Have also been to Alliance. (It’s by Alma).
  • Have seriously looked forward to going to the Sidney Cabelas then felt slightly out-of-place when given complementary rubber worm.
  • Told a joke about Scott Frost getting angry and throwing a Coke at a reporter but overthrowing him by 5 yards. (1995)
  • Once stood in line at a grocery store to get Scott Frost’s autograph. (1998)
  • Know that Alliance isn’t really by Alma.
  • I can pretend to like Runza.

I mean, those are pretty solid credentials. Can you beat that Mignon Eberhardt?

4 Comments / Posted in Nebraska, Who's Next? Minnesota., Writing

Exhibit 2.21

The Real World by season:

1992 – New York
1993 – Los Angeles
1994 – San Francisco
1995 – London
1996 – Miami
1997 – Boston
1998 – Seattle
1999 – Hawaii
2000 – New Orleans
2001 – New York (again)
2002 – Chicago
2002 – Las Vegas

After that I got a girlfriend or a car or went to college or graduated (just like you did), because I’m pretty sure there was never one in Paris despite what Mary-Ellis Bunim keeps telling me.

Comment / Posted in Television, Who's Next? Minnesota., You did too

Exhibit 2.10


Cleveland –
Detroit 4.5
Minnesota 8.5
Kansas City 15.5
Chicago 18.5

Now, I’m not here to say “You’re next Minnesota” or anything like that, but let me just say that I don’t care if there is only a month left in the season, You are so next Minnesota.

Comment / Posted in Baseball, Sports, Who's Next? Minnesota.