Exhibit 22.20

The Post Where I Paste Things from Twilight Wikipedia Pages

* “In the months that follow, Bella learns thrill-seeking activities, such as motorcycle riding…”

* “Meanwhile, a series of miscommunications leads Edward to believe that Bella has killed herself.”

* “The story opens with the revelation that Seattle, Washington is being plagued by a string of unsolved murders, which Edward suspects is caused by a new vampire that is unable to control its thirst for human blood. As Edward and Bella apply to colleges…”

* “Bella explains to Jacob that while she loves him, her love for Edward is greater. After receiving a wedding invitation from Edward, Jacob runs away in his wolf form to escape his pain…”

* “Edward, concerned for Bella’s life and convinced that the fetus is a monster as it continues to develop with unnatural rapidity, urges her to have an abortion. However, Bella feels a pull towards the child and refuses to go through with the procedure.”

* “Jacob, who was present for the birth, almost immediately ‘imprints’—an involuntary response in which a werewolf finds his soul mate—on Edward and Bella’s newborn daughter, Renesmee.”

I needed to read all of that for my teaching. Well, not all of it. I’m just, you know, dedicated.

Seriously though, I had no idea those books were about an centenarian who picks up a 14-year-old, gets her pregnant, then urges her to “take in an Astros game.” I would say the girl should have chosen the other guy, but the other guy somehow tops that by claiming her demon baby as his bride the minute it’s born. So, um, I don’t know, maybe she should try online dating. There must be some normal dude who likes motorcycles out there.

I have thought about this too much. I might need a new hobby. Or to be a worse teacher. Yeah, I’ll go with that one.

2 Comments / Posted in Bad Ideas, Teaching, Vampires

Exhibit 16.1

Octopus 11 is now live right here. Read it instead of whatever else it was you were going to do this morning.

I like this by Rebecca Guyon:

  • COLD

    I like my shadow when I’m in this coat.

    I look like a Russian soldier or I’m wearing a dress.

    I need to be more friendly. I need to treat Estonians better.


I’ve also been reading the new Southeast Review. This is normally when I’d mention that I have something in it but my piece is awful and you should pick up the journal despite it. Not this time.

My piece is awesome.

Okay, that’s not true. My piece is maybe okay, but if you’ll allow me a moment, I’d like to do some avenging.

My piece, “Hope’s Dancing Fancy,” is a short short that takes its title and vampires from a longer story I wrote in graduate school. A story, I should say, that got a very odd reaction from the workshop. Honestly, it would have been better if I’d written a choose-your-own-adventure novel for class or just passed out handfuls of leaves and called it my story. Even months later I’d meet people and they’d say, “Oh, you’re the guy who writes about vampires.”

And I’d say, “Um, well, they weren’t even real vampires. They just sort of wanted to be. That’s why they had their teeth filed.”

This would not make things better.

But I persevered and you’ll be happy to know the first line of the short short is, “If we hadn’t decided to become vampires, this man wouldn’t be filing our teeth.”

I will now cease avenging.

Also in that workshop were friends and non-vampire-focused writers Dave, Chris, Mark, and Naca. That’s a good group. You should definitely watch that Naca video.

3 Comments / Posted in Journals, Poetry, Vampires