Exhibit 1.1.4

Seminar Papers

So I’m writing about King Lear which means I’m writing what somebody else said about King Lear a long time ago, but I haven’t read them so my essay still counts.

What I can contribute to Lear scholarship is an awesome title. I think people should pay me to do this:

King Leer: Cordelia Behind the Mask-uline Gaze

Behind the (Corn)Wall: Regan’s Feminist Plight

Kent and Kant: Perversions of Loyalty and the Refusal to Say “I Ken’t”

Won’t Be Fool-ed Again: Who’s Next after the Fool’s Death

No, No, Know Life! Lear’s Death As Self-Recovery

Cordelia’s Acquiescence to Love and [Sigh]lence

“Tom’s a (C/B)old:” Edgar’s Movement from Passionless to Passionate

I Hold You As an Other: Bastardy and Fraternal Relations

Pluck Out His I’s: Denial of Soliloquy and the Blind Subjectivity

Comment / Posted in Kings, Titles, Wills

Exhibit 22.1

Things I Would Name This Dog If This Dog Were a Novel and I Were Still Me Struggling to Name a Novel-Dog Something Pretentious/Ominous

* A Congress of Sad Jingles
* Morning in the White Horrible
* Bad Dogs, Good Falls
* Outside The Window They’re Coming, They’re Coming
* Darkness Befalls the Pug

Comment / Posted in Bad Ideas, Brett, Titles

Exhibit 20.17

I Don’t Know

I cannot read
these comments of yours
because your handwriting
is bad
but that’s okay
you said them in class
and I appreciate and agree
with everything
especially the part
about the dog
not having super powers
but I want to ask
if in these scribbles
you gave to me
a new title
for Ultrapuppy

Comment / Posted in Handwriting, Liars, Titles

Exhibit 17.8

If you like, I have two short-short-short things up on Opium‘s website here. You probably don’t like. I’m pretty on the fence myself, but I am very grateful to Opium (which rocks).

My things are mostly notable for having truly awful titles

While writing these many months back, I remember this being a point I was trying to make. I can’t imagine why. It seemed important at the time. You know, sort of like how parents name their kids something really horrible as a statement then wake up one day to realize they have a five-year old named “Moving to Texas.”

What do you mean that’s not a thing?

I think that’s a thing.

4 Comments / Posted in Bad Ideas, Titles, Writing

Exhibit 15.2

Why not support The Los Angeles Review?

I received a copy of the new issue yesterday and it’s chock full of good work that deserves your attention and a story of mine that does not.

My story is mostly notable for not being titled “Spotty” despite the insistence of one Dave Madden. Its actual title, “The Third Time I Saw a Spot,” is possibly an even worse choice, but I’ve never had a harder time titling a story and after a certain point I just gave up. Here’s the plot: a man develops a large spot in the center of his vision that won’t go away. What does one title a story like that? Apparently not “Spotty.”

(What does one title an essay about pet taxidermy? Definitely “Stay,” right? Right.)

I wouldn’t mind retitling the story for my own sanity’s sake so if you have suggestions, feel free to pass them along. Oddly, I had the perfect title when I first thought of the story until I remembered that Mark Haddon had already used A Spot of Bother.

Oh, while I’m at it, I might as well embarrass myself with some of the other titles I tried. Off the top of my head:

“A Spot”
“The Spot”
“A Bale of Turtles”
“Daniel Tersi” (ed note: there is no one in the story named Daniel Tersi. Ugh.)
“Spot (Singular)”

Awful, just awful.

2 Comments / Posted in Journals, Titles, Writing