Rules

Exhibit 1.5.24

A Primer on the Rules of Cricket, Pt. 6

51. God’s spilt tea–or “rain”–shall cause a cessation of play known as a nilly. Refreshments of no less than one banger a man shall be served until play resumes after consultation with the hygrometer. Should the field be of sufficient antiquity so as to lack a hygrometer, an expedition shall be undertaken to recover its treasure for the National Museum.

52. After consultation with the Worshipful Company of Cordwainers, all players shall relinquish their bootery and take up the plimsoll.

53. Players having bowlen with THE DEVIL’S HAND sacrifice to the Rector one MALE CHILD for each accursed throw with gibbleys awarded to the Godly team in the form of a reliquary brought by one FEMALE CHILD. Should the condemned player lack the children or the means of producing them before the hour of the hanging, street urchins shall be lured to the grounds with food until they are no longer required or the demonic team expires its muffins.

54. Per decree, the game shall henceforth be known as Pope’s Chess. 

55. Befallen by shipwreck, any able-bodied man washed ashore must set about constructing a pitch for the challengement of any cannibal natives who shall be given two score minutes for the memorization of these rules, formation of a team, and the preparation of adequate bangers to be served in event of a nilly. The winning seaman shall claim all land and monsters on behalf of the crown. The losing seaman shall no longer be welcomed at Diameter Society in the event he returns uneaten, having lost something even more valuable in his civility.

56. As there shall be no sunset there shall be no gloaming and any player, official, or groundling who remarks upon it shall have the choice between forfeiting their wit or eyes.

57. In the event of each team ending week one with an equivalent number of quinces and gibbleys, the tie shall be broken by means of a knightly tournament proceeding in the North Newcloferwich manner, i.e. archery to melee.

58. Wesley, having proven himself a thorough woncer, shall no longer be allowed to play.

59. All beverages shall be served at a temperature of no less than four marks above a June Tuesday and failure to do so will result in the home team’s use of Swede’s Balls–or “ice”–with all subsequent dampening of their choler or other relevant humors a fair punishment.

60. Should a femalelady be discovered in the colors of a maleman, play shall cease and a council be convened in Ghent, of which any player is welcome to take part should they be able to procure passage and have grey in their beards. The remaining shall make CAMP on though grounds though not embark on any industry, taking meals from the charity of locals who will be expected to remain spectators until such time as the return of the Greybeards who shall by then have formed their own team to compete against the witch. Should they prevail, they have claim to challenge the Crown upon conclusion of the prior game.

1 Comment / Posted in Cricket, Primers, Rules

Exhibit 1.2.21

A Primer on the Rules of Cricket, Pt. 3

(In honor of the Cricket World Cup which is apparently happening. You’re probably watching. See the long ago Parts 1 and 2 here.)

21. Weather determined by a canvassing of the nobles to be inclement shall result in a fortnight’s delay during which time each player shall be afforded one loaf of pudding and one hot water bottle per diem.

22. This delay shall be called by the home team a “Jammy” and the away team a “Gulliver.” The groundlings need not speak of it at all.

23. Should it ever be determined who told the Australians about the game, play shall be cancelled until such time as a large pike might be acquired. Any curious Queenslanders shall be told some pishposh about it being the DARKENING INNING though, of course, the DARKENING INNING happens only in Lunius. Should it actually be the DARKENING INNING, any Queenslander with sense will be in his hovel.

24. A dropped catch is called a “Ninny.”

25. Given an errant bowl, the runner is allowed to advance a number of wickets equal to but not exceeding his proximity from the King Queen determined by The Boy counting off every odd numbered pace until he reaches the Monarch. His bow shall not count as a pace though his failure to properly address the Monarch shall result in an immediate re-counting of the pace, this time on the even footfall.

26. In the event a match exceeds a yeoman’s working week, four dullards from each team’s county shall be found, greased, and set upon the pitch until such time as one hath vanquished his foes and shall, individually, be declared the winner and rewarded with a generous estate in one of the colonies or a geographically commiserate amount of tea.

27. The Prime Minister shall not be invited except at the discretion of the magistrate who can take, in exchange for the invitation, one night with the Prime Minister’s wife spouse after the State’s next masque.

28. A successful catch is called a “Ninny.”

29. The digging of a trench for the purposes of tripping the elephant is, henceforth, ruled bad sportsmanship and the offending shovelman shall be repositioned atop the parapet until such time as a passing knight errant honors his dropped kerchief. He shall be given 6 kerchiefs or 4 if the beast dies.

30. Gambling is strictly prohibited for amounts larger than 18 guineas, 5 pence, 49 marbles, 2 obs, and a finger’s balcots.

Comment / Posted in Prime Ministers, Primers, Rules

Exhibit 26.14

Family Week

It’s family week here at SPM. Well, not really, but I’m at my parents’ place. So far this morning I’ve:

* Listened to someone debate Ann Taylor customer service on the telephone
* Spent more than an hour trying to get an inkjet printer to work despite its insistence on a new cyan cartridge
* Learned the complicated rules for bottle recycling
* Learned the complicated rules for coffee ground disposal
* Counted the number of icons on a parent’s computer desktop: 82
* Agreed that it’s going to be hot out
* Been asked to raise the thermostat anyway
* Engaged in speculation over what my sister is doing right now
* Prepared myself to discuss routine car maintenance later
* Explained facebook and the advantages/disadvantages of joining it

I’m not sure, but I think I might have gained some insight into my teenage years. All I want to do is listen to grunge and drive around town. Maybe later I’ll write lyrics to an emo song and promise myself I’ll learn to play the guitar this fall. Any Taylor Loft/you’ve all gone soft/etc. Basically, I’m going to re-form the New Radicals before 3, get kicked out of the band by 5, and change my oil at 6.

1 Comment / Posted in Here, Petersons, Rules

Exhibit 23.16

A Primer on the Rules of Cricket, Pt. 1


1. The batsman plays in front of the wicket facing away from but not in direct opposition to the porter who stands 18 paces from the edge of the bowl.

2. 6 deliveries is an over, 8 deliveries is a gallagher, 12 deliveries is a super over which is, naturally, frowned upon. The bowler is required to provide his own ball but not his own cap.

3. A series consists of 3 matches taking place daily over 5 days. If at the the end of the 5 days, a score has not been settled, a ‘confusion’ is called and the series is replayed beginning the second Wednesday following or the 12th of the month, whichever is further.

4. Should it begin to rain, the gully and the striker switch hats and call a huddle near their respective team’s basket. Host country is required to provide umbrellas and pudding.

5. Each team is allowed 11 players and it is required that at least one of those players be a referee who, in coordination with the other team’s referee and the head accountant, shall keep score and enforce the observation of the proceeding and postceeding rules.

6. At the conclusion of a series, there shall be the follies.

7. The pitch shall be kept to a length of no greater than 20 meters with the wicket capable of holding 2.5 liters of liquid the shape of which is to be determined by each side. Should wicket prove to be over or undersized by use of Water Measure then offending side is to have 8 jimmies deducted from their pre-dismissal gross.

8. Rule 5 applies only to test cricket and not to DRT cricket which allows for the use of 2 referees per side as determined qualified by the head accountant or otherwise gentlemanly onlooker.

9. During the lunch break youths no older than 10 may frolic on the grass provided they wear white and have the permission of their governess.

10. A batsman is out caught if a fielder catches the ball fully within the field of play without it bouncing once the ball has touched the striker’s bat or glove holding the bat. If a batsman could be given out caught or by any other method except bowled, ‘caught’ takes precedence.

1 Comment / Posted in Cricket, Primers, Rules