Exhibit 1.3.15

What’s Currently Killing Me

1. Being out of coffee.

2. It being too hot to get coffee.

3. Wurlitzers.

4. Replying to emails, phone calls, letters, owls, waves, punches.

5. The term “debt ceiling.”

6. Tuesdays. Just as, like, a thing we can’t do anything about.

7. Socks. Just as, like, a thing we can’t do anything about.

8. The murderer.

9. Taco truck ennui.

10. Not these sweatpants.

1 Comment / Posted in Coffee, Dying, Murderers

Exhibit 20.22

Things I Won’t Be Blogging About While Preparing to Move

* My attempts to purchase everything for my new apartment on – I won’t talk about this because then I would have to explain to you why my couch is going to be made out of remaindered copies of Tom Wolfe books. Frankly, this is something you should discover for yourself when you come to visit. When you see the Lego Star Destroyer I’m using as a coffee table, just pretend to be impressed and say yes when I offer you an appetizer off the back of a Roomba.

* This Houston-area ax-murder – I know, I know. You all told me, Don’t move to Houston, if the heat doesn’t kill you the ax-murderers will. Thankfully it was explained to me by former Houston-ites that they actually have “Cool Zones” where you can go to get away from the heat. This does nothing to stop the ax-murderers, of course, but it’s a start. Come to think of it, actually, if anything it will just make us easier for the ax-murderers to get us all.

* My going away party – It’s this Saturday. If I haven’t invited you, it’s an oversight and I’m sorry. You’re invited. You and it appears the 9 people I still know in Lincoln.

* The great deals on used furniture & dogs currently going on at my apartment – I just like joking about selling Brett so that when someone says, You’d have to pay me to take her I can throw $20 at them and run away laughing. Sadly, Brett will probably just chase me. Then you’ll use the $20 to by three-quarters of what I own. I’ll then use that $20 to buy 39 copies of I am Charlotte Simmons.

* This Royals season – Oh, god, they’re awful. Frankly, I’m going to be glad when the ax-murderer gets me. I hope we get the chance to talk about his job title as we enjoy the chilly air of the Cool Zone. I have questions. Like why is ax-murderer a thing, but if, say, you just going around stabbing people like some random Peterson, you’re not a knife-murderer. Instead you’re just sort of a jerk. I’m sure he’ll have thoughts on this.

3 Comments / Posted in Houston, Murderers, Petersons

Exhibit 6.20

One word movie reviews with words taken from the book Marketing to Women

Little Murders: Relational
Shoot ‘Em Up: Segmentation
Juno: Progesterone
Eastern Promises: Spiral
I’m Not There: Swaggering

Comment / Posted in Movies, Murderers, There

Exhibit 5.4

I’ve been vaguely aware of the name ‘Peterson’ popping up a lot on news sites I read. I hadn’t actually looked at any of the articles as I was pretty sure they weren’t about my fantasy football exploits and I haven’t really done anything else of note since high school debate. The articles all seemed to be about some Peterson’s wife being murdered and I assumed it was a rehashing of the Laci Peterson thing. For the first time I clicked on one of the articles today and it turns out yet another Peterson has allegedly murdered his wife. For some reason, this has really captured the nation’s attention again.

This time the guy–Drew Peterson (not to be confused with Scott Peterson)–possibly killed his 3rd and 4th wives, one of whom is named Stacy Peterson (not to be confused with Laci Peterson). You know who’s worried right now? Mrs. Traci Peterson.

For those keeping track, the most famous Petersons of recent memory are:

Scott Peterson (murderer)
Drew Peterson (murderer)
Norm Peterson (fictional drunk)
Cassandra Peterson (Elvira)
Adrian Peterson (murderer of defenses)

Thank god the Petersons have Adrian, otherwise I might be changing my name to something with fewer negative connotations like Simpson or Dahmer or maybe Stalin.

UPDATE: Heather reminded me of Kelsey Peterson, the Nebraska teacher who recently ran away with her 13-year-old student. This was mostly a Nebraska case, but still, what the hell is wrong with the Petersons? And it’s all people who spell it the right way, too. Now, people named Pederson or Petersen, those people have something to be upset about.

2 Comments / Posted in Mrs. Traci Peterson, Murderers, Petersons