Exhibit 17.22

I Debate the Date of Easter with My Mom

Me: So I’ll see you Sunday.
Mom: Yep, I’ll see you on Easter.
Mom: Easter is Sunday.
Me: No, I think we already had Easter.
Me: This Sunday? Really?
Mom: Yes.
Me: Is that why everyone is coming down?
Mom: Everyone is coming down for a baseball game. It’s just a coincidence.
Me: But you’re still going to have some Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs, right?
Mom: Yes.
Me: Awesome.

This conversation more or less happens every holiday. Only the seasonal Reese’s shape changes.

Comment / Posted in Holidays, Moms, Sunday

Exhibit 17.10

Someone decided to make a sculpture of their sadness.

This happens at least once a month at the building next to mine. Big men come and move some escaped and delinquent renter’s stuff to the street. They put the clothes in black yard-waste bags and throw the televisions, dressers, toys, and the rest of their stuff onto the grass.

The entire neighborhood then picks over these abandoned possessions which never amount to nearly as much as you might think.

(And I do mean entire neighborhood. Where do you think I got these pants? If you said my mom bought them for me at J.C. Penney’s, well…shut up.)

It always ends the same way: a broken chair and a box spring leaning against each other.

It’s going to rain this afternoon.

Comment / Posted in Abandoned, Lincoln, Moms

Exhibit 14.24

From: Mom
Re: Christmas Agenda

Friday, December 19th
5:00-9:00p.m. – Wait for K. to get off work
9:00-10:00p.m – Talk about whether or not we should go with the original plan or form a new plan
10:00-12:00a.m. – Go to game-filled bar/restaurant Go bowling

Saturday, December 20th
12:00-7:00a.m. – Sleep on air mattress for some, comfy beds for others
8:00-9:30a.m. – Try to readjust the electronic thermostat to not cut temperature to 50 degrees in the basement
9:30-9:45a.m. – Breakfast
9:45-11:00a.m. – Sit in living room
11:00-11:30a.m. – Discuss whether or not we should open one present now
11:30-11:35a.m. – Open one present
11:35-12:00p.m. – Open all presents
12:00-12:00a.m. – Feel ashamed while remarking on the relative attractiveness of the torn wrapping paper

Sunday, December 21st
12:00-9:00a.m. – Fend off band of comically inept robbers with elaborate series of traps constructed out of household objects/reconnect old man Marley with his son
9:00-4:00p.m. – Traditional holiday Dolphins vs. Chiefs game
4:00-5:00p.m. – Disconnect old man Marley from his son
5:00-6:00p.m. – Cider

Thursday, December 25th
All Day – Watch Smart Guy marathon on B.E.T.

Frankly, I’m excited.

Comment / Posted in Cinnamon, Moms, Unnecessary Scheduling