Houston

Exhibit 1.7.18

This Remains

 

 

The greatest photo I have ever taken.

Comment / Posted in Entropy, Grey, Houston

Exhibit 1.7.11

Houston Sports Weekend

 

Minute Maid Park

 

 

BBVA Stadium

 

 

Comment / Posted in Houston, Parks, Sports

Exhibit 1.6.9

Lightbulbs, Limited

 

 

I will hear no argument: Light Bulbs Unlimited is the best thing about Houston.

Someday I will work up the courage to enter and, on that day, I will finally know what it means to see.

Or, possibly, I’ll just buy some lightbulbs and maybe a neon sign that says Unlimited.

Do you think they have one of those? They better. They promised.

5 Comments / Posted in Houston, Lights, Limits

Exhibit 26.23

Now That I Have an Apartment

I still need the following:

* Electricity
* A less embarrassing sink
* The will to read Montaigne
* A place to sit that’s not the floor
* One dog
* Better Scrabble letters
* Anything to eat
* Something to place hypothetical food on
* Dignity
* Syllabi/towels
* Friendly yet private relationship with neighbors

4 Comments / Posted in Apartment, Houston, Needs

Exhibit 26.22

Pynchon on Barthelme & Houston & Himself & Houston

But behind Barthelme’s own slick city-sophisticate disguise still lounged, alarmingly, this good old Dairy Queen regular in some conspicuous hat, around in whose backseat opened containers had been known to roll, harboring the mischievous daydreams of a Texas rounder, not to mention a lengthy stretch of DNA dedicated just to locating and enjoying various highly seasoned pork products. On the principle that you can take the boy out of the country but not vice versa, Houston, Texas, his hometown before New York, must have caused Barthelme some lively internal discomfort over the course of a love-hate affair with the place that went on, it seems, for most of his life. From what I remember of Houston at about that same time, it could have provoked the one emotion just as easily as the other, and in Texas-size quantities, too. The Astrodome was brand new in those days. Air conditioning in the city was ubiquitous. There were schemes afoot to put a dome over part of downtown and air-condition it, creating what today we would call a mall. Entire boulevards were dedicated to churches, side by side, one after another, allowing you to drop the family car in low and actually cruise places of worship. The nearest venue for dope, sex, and rock ‘n’ roll, then as now, was Austin. The new NASA space center out by Buffalo Bayou was hiring heavily, while from the marshlands around it, mosquitoes were busy spreading an encephalitis epidemic. Sir John Barbirolli had fashioned of the Houston symphony an exquisitely first-rate instrument, while teenage musical heresy focused on California surf culture — though the Gulf only had surf during hurricanes, all kinds of kids could still be observed driving around with some stick in some woody, flaunting boards that never caught a wave, as if trying to make it all be California. Anyplace but what it was.

From Pynchon’s introduction to The Teachings of Don B. You can read the entirety of the introduction right here. Highly recommended.

1 Comment / Posted in Donalds, Houston, Thomases

Exhibit 26.17

Today in Apartment Searching

“Big, separate living and dining room, the original REALITY BITES building, hardwoods.” –from a building’s description.

It’s been years since I’ve seen that movie–and even then I don’t think I ever saw it from beginning to end, more like the way I’ve seen Die Hard II over the course of 28 unique and out-of-order TBS viewings–but apparently Reality Bites took place in Houston. Incidentally, learning this sort of solves the movie for me. I mean, I’ve got a pretty good idea why reality bit.

I don’t even know if they’re serious or not, but either way it’s pretty great to use a 15-year-old movie about malaise as a feature, as if it’s a dishwasher or something (the apartment does not, notably, have a dishwasher, thus ensuring another disaffected generation).

Either way, I want to believe Ethan Hawke’s character is living there. I want to believe they call him Okie, and every time he’s carrying his groceries up the steps his apple-cheeked neighbors beg him to tell stories about the Candlebox.

2 Comments / Posted in Apartments, Houston, Reality

Exhibit 25.10

Postcard to Houston

Dear Houston,

It’s been awhile but not so long that I’ve learned a grey day doesn’t mean cold.

It means worse hot,

Adam

Comment / Posted in Grey, Houston, Postcard

Exhibit 23.11

Personal Safety Alert

So I mentioned the university here sends out emails whenever the neighborhood it hates so much encroaches on its precious learning environment. Usually these personal safety alerts aren’t quite so funny/racially problematic. This one, however:

Suspect Description: Black male approximately 19 years of age. Short statue, thin build, dark complexion, hair style like worn by actor Will Smith. Wearing a black hoody and blue jeans.

So, to sum up, a black guy with hair allegedly robbed someone who was unfamiliar with the work of the more age appropriate Nick Cannon.

Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty.
2 Comments / Posted in Houston, Problems, Smiths

Exhibit 23.5

Links

* Great, so now I have to move to Manhattan and marry Lynn True. This video in the Times pretty much sums why I find redeeming value in football (and even how I watch it).

* Fellow Houstonite Laura-Eve has a blog you should be reading here. I wanted to post this link with her cover of R. Kelly’s “Ignition Remix” but instead you’ll just have to watch the karaoke version of the real thing:


Maybe I should link to R. Kelly’s blog instead now? I don’t know, I assume both blogs are mostly about Judaism and Top Chef.

* Speaking of Houston people, another UH person’s blog is here. I don’t know if he wants his name connected to it or not. Also, did you know we elected an openly gay mayor yesterday? We did. Your move, Austin.

* Not a link, but I thought I would provide a beard update. It’s now day five and I’m pretty sure if I wasn’t doing these posts or going out of the way to work my beard into otherwise unrelated conversations no one would know I was growing one.
I decided to add eyebrows for comparison purposes. You might have noticed. It’s the same reason I added them in real life.

Comment / Posted in Houston, Links, Not Links

Exhibit 22.19

Postcard to Houston

Dear Houston,

I don’t think I’m going to be leaving my apartment anymore. Because now it’s sort of cold. And because I think if I practice I can touch every wall in my living room at the same time.

You understand,

Adam

1 Comment / Posted in Apartment, Houston, Postcard

Exhibit 22.11

Postcard to Houston

Dear Houston,

Here, no one says I love you. They say I hope you’re the one I’m talking to on my cellphone when I die on the freeway.

I hope you’re the one I’m talking to on my cellphone when I die on the freeway,

A.

Comment / Posted in Houston, Love, Postcard

Exhibit 22.9

Postcard to Houston

Dearest Houston,

I think gnats are trying to eat my face.
What do you think?

Adam

4 Comments / Posted in Houston, Insects, Postcard

Exhibit 22.7

Umbrellas

Yesterday it rained for what seemed to be 18 consecutive hours. According to the Chronicle 2.43 inches fell which is more than most (all?) Nebraska counties see in the entire month of October.

(Somehow I’m still only reading the Chronicle for blog research which leads to awkward conversations like when an older couple asked if I worried about the arsonist who has been terrorizing my neighborhood. But you have to understand, from my perspective, I can either worry about arsonists and Yao Ming’s foot or I can live a blissful life where arsonists and Yao Ming’s foot only exist if they’re mentioned in Ulysses or Brett chews on one).

Other than a slightly terrifying drive on a very wet, very busy freeway, this rainfall was mostly notable for explaining why everyone here carries umbrellas. My students laughed at me when I arrived drenched to class and rightfully wondered why I didn’t have one myself. I guess I could have explained to them that in elementary school the most popular kid told everyone umbrellas were gay, but I’m not sure they would have bought this unless I could actually get Josh on the phone to explain it to them. And, honestly, what are the odds he’d even answer my call from the space station mansion where he lives with Kelly Kapowski?

So I guess I need to get one, but now it’s not raining and I’ve already given up. There are just too many choices.

Animal Shaped

Too Plaid

Movie Tie-in

Only Duck Head

The Full Duck

Probably British

Arsonist Proof

I mean, I know I should just go with arsonist proof and be done with it, but I think I’m going to need to get the okay from Josh first.

4 Comments / Posted in Houston, Rain, Weather

Exhibit 22.2

Postcard to Houston

Hello, Houston,

Yesterday the electric sign on the freeway that normally tells me about traffic told me a little boy had been kidnapped. I felt awful. I didn’t know what to do about the boy or how long it would take me to get to the 59. Today the signs did not mention the boy.

You are like this,

Adam

Comment / Posted in Houston, Postcard, Sad

Exhibit 21.26

Postcard to Houston

Dear Houston,

When I come back, I will take you more seriously. You’ll know by my short sleeve shirts.

A.

Comment / Posted in Houston, Postcard, Shirts

Exhibit 21.22

Odds on the headline of the inevitable Sports Illustrated cover story about UH quarterback Case Keenum

Off the Board – On the Case: Houston’s Quest for the Championship
3/1 – A Difficult Case: Keenum’s Cougars Baffle the BCS
4/1 – Case File: Houston’s Rise to the Top
8/1 – Cold Case: Houston’s QB Is Cool Under Pressure
15/1 – Just in Case: Going Undefeated Isn’t Enough for UH
50/1 – Case Study: How Keenum’s Cougars Just Win
100/1 – Brief Case: Everything you need to know about the Cougars
130/1 – A Case for Perfection: Houston Might Go Undefeated
175/1 – Head Case: Keenum is just crazy enough to win
8 Million/1 – Paul’s Case: Keenum Owes It All to Willa Cather

Comment / Posted in Cases For Perfection, Houston, Sports

Exhibit 21.21

Postcard to Houston

Dear Houston,

How will I know when it’s fall?
Is it fall now?
I don’t think it’s fall now.

A.

Comment / Posted in Autumn, Houston, Postcard

Exhibit 21.19

Postcard to Houston

Dear Houston,

My car broke down, but it was all okay. I met a nice man who tried to help me push it until I told him it was stuck in park. He said, that’s okay and asked me for money. I said, I’ve only got a dollar. But really I had a twenty, too. I had 21 dollars. But that’s too much, I thought. I was probably wrong. He was nice. Later, when he came back, I told him I was still waiting for a tow truck. He told me he was still homeless as a motherfuck.

Adam.

1 Comment / Posted in Dear, Houston, Postcard

Exhibit 21.16

Things I Learned While Walking the Dog

1. There is apparently a high school right on my street and no more than 30 yards from my door. I guess it’s a charter school of about 250 students and not the area’s big public school (Reagan High). Note: Reagan High School is–shockingly–not named after Ronald Reagan. Cheers for Texas. Sadly, it’s named after a prominent Confederate and was not desegregated until 1970. Double boo for Texas.

2. The park at the end of my street is called Love Park. I find this to be an admirably progressive name for a park. That said, most of the people at night seem to congregate in Flash Your Headlights Twice Park on the other end of the street. Note: Flash Your Headlights Twice Park is not named after a prominent Confederate. Cheers for Texas.

3. It is apparently illegal to build more than 24 consecutive feet of sidewalk on one side of the street. After one side’s 24 feet are up, the other side of the street gets its turn. Boo for Texas.

4. Love Park is exempt from that law and, I’m guessing, most others. Wash for Texas.

5. Everything here needs to be smelled for 65 seconds to be fully appreciated. Cheers for Texas.

Comment / Posted in Houston, Love, Texas

Exhibit 21.9

A Place Like This

I’ve been at this university for two weeks now, and while that probably doesn’t qualify me to make the broad critique I’m going to make, I feel comfortable in my assessment anyway. Colleges are funny like that. Or maybe I’m just pompous like that. Either way.

But I want to acknowledge that I know nothing about this city. Okay, so I know Lyle Lovett is the greatest person to come from here. That’s about it and that’s about enough.

And so it was probably spending time with an architect–happy birthday, Marti–or visiting Rice’s beautiful campus, but I’ve been thinking a lot about the physical makeup of the university. Not the administration or degrees or students but the actual buildings and landscape and how they’re situated in the city. It’s something that’s been bothering me since the first time I visited the campus, and it only has become more clear in my time here because of this typical conversation (this one in particular I had with the guy opening my checking account):

Guy: What brought you here?
Me: School at UH.
Guy: Ha, how do you like the neighborhood there?
Me: Can I get any Ninja Turtle on my debit card or just Raphael?

UH knows the neighborhood around UH is bad. I know they know this because they talk about it as constantly as everyone else does. They tell us not to walk to our cars alone at night. They send us campus alerts when the Burger King across the street gets robbed. They have video cameras and emergency phones and anything else they can do to reinforce the idea that A) the neighborhood outside the campus is scary and B) aside from the occassional intrusion of this scary element, the campus itself is a protected space.

Obviously the university’s first priority is the physical safety of their students and they should do everything possible to protect them/us. Unfortunately, they seem to have bought into this narrative that the campus can and should exist in isolation from the community around it. One gets the sense that everyone–except for, you know, the people living in the Third Ward–would be happy if around the hallowed borders of the school there was white space until Montrose and its American Apparel definition of urban.

It’s such a pointless and anti-educational way of thinking about the space of the university that I hope I’m misreading the situation. I don’t think I am. There really doesn’t seem to be any engagement or even desire for engagement with the rest of the neighborhood, and its a shame to treat the campus as if it’s some kind of colony on Mars where this will happen if you go outside of the compound without a helmet:

As a teacher–and, yes, I now say things like that just like I now have to care what Stanley Fish and Gerald Graff think about whatever–it feels like the physical campus is already setting up for at least a kind of failure. If the university can place itself in a sphere, should we be surprised if students keep their knowledge in one? If the university can’t even confront what’s across the street, what do students do when asked to confront the world? Being a public school, being a largely commuter college, hell, even being in the academic shadow of Rice, just isn’t a good enough excuse to write off participation as part of the academic experience for students and professors.

(other things I do now that I’m in graduate school: ask inane rhetorical questions, wake up 30 minutes later than before, wear an academic gown around the apartment, have an opinion on standardized testing)

The university is–rightly–proud of their students. They makeup (allegedly) the most diverse student body in the country, they work jobs, they are often the first in their family to go to college. Which is why it’s so perplexing that their chosen college seems to be afraid of the world many of them come from. Not only does it waste an opportunity, but it detracts from the education they’re able to provide a truly unique student body. Building a moat around the university does nothing except reinforce the idea that the academic world is something that’s closed to their membership and irrelevant to their lives beyond going through the checklist of their degree in hope of a better vocation.

(addendum to list of other things I do now that I’m in graduate school: use multiple metaphors for same situation often times involving either space or knights or both)

None of this is to say I want a campus like the oak-lined East Coast academia of Rice or for UH to use its clout to force gentrify the area, but I would like to see some understanding from the university that their responsibility to their students and their neighborhood goes beyond emailing the police blotter and patrolling the outlying parking lots. When I step into the classroom, it’s the only time my students and I even have the opportunity to live in the same world in a very large, very diverse city. But if we can’t agree where we are, if we’re pretending not to be in a city at all, then we’re nowhere and there are no implications outside of the classroom.

If the university thinks it needs to isolate itself in order to protect itself, the university doesn’t even know what it’s protecting.

Comment / Posted in Houston, School, Turtles

Exhibit 20.22

Things I Won’t Be Blogging About While Preparing to Move

* My attempts to purchase everything for my new apartment on Amazon.com – I won’t talk about this because then I would have to explain to you why my couch is going to be made out of remaindered copies of Tom Wolfe books. Frankly, this is something you should discover for yourself when you come to visit. When you see the Lego Star Destroyer I’m using as a coffee table, just pretend to be impressed and say yes when I offer you an appetizer off the back of a Roomba.

* This Houston-area ax-murder – I know, I know. You all told me, Don’t move to Houston, if the heat doesn’t kill you the ax-murderers will. Thankfully it was explained to me by former Houston-ites that they actually have “Cool Zones” where you can go to get away from the heat. This does nothing to stop the ax-murderers, of course, but it’s a start. Come to think of it, actually, if anything it will just make us easier for the ax-murderers to get us all.

* My going away party – It’s this Saturday. If I haven’t invited you, it’s an oversight and I’m sorry. You’re invited. You and it appears the 9 people I still know in Lincoln.

* The great deals on used furniture & dogs currently going on at my apartment – I just like joking about selling Brett so that when someone says, You’d have to pay me to take her I can throw $20 at them and run away laughing. Sadly, Brett will probably just chase me. Then you’ll use the $20 to by three-quarters of what I own. I’ll then use that $20 to buy 39 copies of I am Charlotte Simmons.

* This Royals season – Oh, god, they’re awful. Frankly, I’m going to be glad when the ax-murderer gets me. I hope we get the chance to talk about his job title as we enjoy the chilly air of the Cool Zone. I have questions. Like why is ax-murderer a thing, but if, say, you just going around stabbing people like some random Peterson, you’re not a knife-murderer. Instead you’re just sort of a jerk. I’m sure he’ll have thoughts on this.

3 Comments / Posted in Houston, Murderers, Petersons

Exhibit 20.1

Why I’m Moving to Houston

So it’s occurred to me that my feigned reluctance to write about myself might have left you, dear reader, with no explanation for why I’m moving to Houston. Because a person needs a reason to move to Houston. This conversation never happens.

Me: I’m moving to Houston.
You: Awesome, now I’ll have a place to crash.

But there are a dozen or so cities you could substitute in there and have it work if not create the typical conversation that occurs when you announce your move to, say, Austin.

Me: I’m moving to Austin.
You: Awesome, now I’ll have a place to crash.
Me: Do you think I’ll meet Spoon?

A move to Houston, on the other hand, usually leads to this:

Me: I’m moving to Houston.
You: Why?

So why, then, other than that I don’t want to meet Spoon or wear ironic belt buckles am I moving to Houston? This craiglist posting is why:

I have a screenplay that I need expanded into a book. This is an action/high tech/terrorism story

Sorry, Britt Daniel, but I’m moving to Houston to do the novelization of an unproduced screenplay with action/high tech/terrorism elements. I’m hoping I can just use the novel I’m currently working on since it already has those elements plus several others. So there you go. Now you’ll be able to come to Houston and sleep on my beautiful couch paid for with 40% of the profits from next year’s bestselling action/high tech/terrorism/dog memoir/cook book/vampire/dance competition/steampunk/ultra-terrorism/coming-of-age novel.

4 Comments / Posted in Britts, Explanations, Houston

Exhibit 19.25

Well, I’ve got a few minutes to kill, so let me just open up the Houston Chronicle here and see if anything has been going on in Houston for the last week. I’m sure there’s been nothing to have me worried about living there for several years.

Houston’s still waiting for some rain
– And I’m still waiting for Sommersby II. We all have problems. [takes drink of water]

No relief in sight for scorching Texas heat
– [spits water comically]

Heat advisories in Texas remain through Saturday
– Well, I’m sure it’s not an emergency.

Heat emergency declared for Houston
– Oh my.

Love in Action van brings water on 101-degree day
– Yeah, but it’s Houston. Surely they’re used to this.

Heat reaches record for Houston
– Oh, I’m sure it’s not a disaster.

Punishing heat prompts Houston disaster declaration
– Huh.

Foot injury leaves Yao’s future with Rockets in doubt
– Noooooooooooo!

I’m so shaken I’m not just rethinking Houston, I’m rethinking America’s victory in the Mexican-American War. Jesus. Are we sure Yao’s foot isn’t just melting?

1 Comment / Posted in Heat, Houston, Yaos

Exhibit 18.20

Upon Investigation of U-Haul Prices, Things I Won’t Be Taking to Houston

Table/Chairs/Brett
Forks and knives (will make do with spoons)
Cape from 2006’s Count Chocula costume
Pots (will make do with pans)
Sense of shame
All five copies of If on a winter’s night a traveler…
Old pictures of Ryan
Long obsolete 39 cent stamps
Books propping up couch
Couch
Sweaters
Coffee table
Coffee maker
Coffee grinder
Coffee mugs
Pictures of Civil War General John Coffee
You
Cape from 2007’s Super Humphrey Bogart costume
My favorite tree
Both pens I carry (will make do with one)
Love for one parent (will make do with one)
Fleeting interest in Premier League soccer
All five crystal punch bowls
Ankles
Sega Genesis/G.I. Joes/childhood memories
Collection of Supreme Court Justices’ death masks
Need to have a guitar I can’t play in house
(I will be moving the guitar, I just won’t need it)
Health insurance
Any Cupboard responsibilities
Bed
Bedding
Top hat and corncob pipe for snowmen
Interest in Nebraska’s next license plate

4 Comments / Posted in Houston, Investigations, Moving

Exhibit 18.10

University Scandal Showdown

Hazing Scandal at the University of Nebraska vs. Homeless Killing at the University of Houston
Crime
Hazing vs. Shooting a Sleeping Homeless Guy

Here in Lincoln the local papers and newscasters have had to repeatedly describe the hazing as there’s no euphemism for, um, what happened. There certainly should be one though. Have we used “taking in an Astros game” for anything yet?

Victim
Name Withheld vs. Joe David Tall

Diagnosed as a schizophrenic at 15, on the streets at 19, homeless for 30 years, and then shot while sleeping by some student who thinks he’s Charles Bronson. Man, that’s a tragic life. There are about 60 students in a fraternity house in Lincoln who think what is happening to them right now is unfair. Fellas, the world is a much darker than you realize and at the moment you are part of the problem.

Perpetrator
Some Stripper vs. Some Student

E. says her Sigma Chi student swore it was the stripper’s idea to, you know, take that pledge to the Astros game. I’m certainly no expert on these matters, but that seems about as likely as a rich, handsome john falling in love with a prostitute and taking her to business meetings and stuff.

What do you meant that’s the plot of Pretty Woman? I’ve never seen it. No, really. Lucky guess, I suppose. [whistles as walking away]

Reaction
Awkward Silence vs. Insanity

The best thing you can say after looking at both articles is that at least there aren’t comments on the hazing scandal one. If there were, most of them would look like this:

HuskersCrouch7 – Can they say that in the paper?
RedNLincoln – Seriously, my grandparents read this paper.
GrandParents – Do they still make pledges “win the Atlantic Theatre”?

Well, I hope we’ve all learned something. Only the worst of us choose such easy victims, we need to do more to help those who fall through the cracks, and anything can sound dirty when put in quotation marks.

Comment / Posted in Euphemisms, Houston, Lincoln

Exhibit 18.1

Houston Notes

* The Menil Collection and the Rothko Chapel next door are fantastic. The Menil is mostly modern & surrealist art with some antiquities and smatterings of medieval art thrown in for fun. And it is fun. Just a good, lively museum. The Rothko Chapel and its Broken Obelisk go without saying. You can pick up the primary text of just about any religion and read it in a very self-conscious art/meditation space. Somehow it works. I was this close to becoming a Hare Krishna. Instead I decided that I’ll try to follow professional soccer.

* Conversation with Rental Car Guy

Rental Car Guy: Wow. This car has cruise control. Lucky you.
Me: Um, great.
Rental Car Guy: Where are you headed?
Me: Downtown.
Rental Car Guy: Oh, nevermind. You won’t need it. Sorry. Didn’t mean to get you excited.
Me: It’s okay. [sighs/collects confetti from asphalt]

* He was right. I did not use the cruise control. I don’t know if there’s a way to set the cruise control for intermittent periods of 80 miles per hour followed by 15 minutes of not moving at all. Driving in Houston was actually sort of fun. It allowed me to break out my Michael-Rooker-in-DaysofThunder face as I swerved around SUVs in my Nissan Versa. Good times.

* Okay, I didn’t decide to follow professional soccer. My apologies to everyone at Borussia Dortmund FC. Didn’t mean to get you excited.

* The first song that came on my iPod as I waited for my plane out was Tom Waits’s “Fannin Street.” I had a moment where I got to wonder if it was about the street I was driving on yesterday before the first line, There’s a crooked street in Houston town. That pretty much settled it.

* That is weird though, right? Maybe I should believe in Tom Waits. Previously, I’ve been a bit of an agnostic about his existence. Fossil records do suggest that Rod Stewart wrote “Downtown Train.”

* So I liked Houston as a city except for this one thing: the light rail. It almost hit me twice, once when driving, once when wandering around downtown. I’m willing to concede both times were my fault–in that I was walking/driving in a place near the light rail–but there seems to be an awful lot of chaos created by this one train that runs in a seven mile straight line. I can’t even imagine the set of circumstances that would lead me to actually get on it.

* I read the new piece up at Bear Parade in my hotel room on Friday. You should read it too. You’ll like it. Unless you’re Lydia Davis. Then you’ll probably have very complicated feelings about it.

* Many thanks to Ryan and Laura and Gene and anyone else who humored me as I told them things they already knew about the light rail. Had a great time.

1 Comment / Posted in Houston, Toms, Travel

Exhibit 17.27

Where I would buy my light bulbs in Houston

4 Comments / Posted in Houston, Lights, Where

Exhibit 17.26

Houston Tree

Comment / Posted in Houston, Houston Trees, Trees

Exhibit 17.24

A hotel’s selling points:

Located in beautiful downtown Houston one block from the Houston Toyota Center, Houston Rockets headquarters, and two blocks from the Houston Convention Center, Houston’s biggest convention center. Astros fans, we are just 0.5 miles from Minute Maid Park and the Astros. We’re also within a mile of Exxon-Mobile, Chevron, Shell, Meridian, Lyondell, Planned Parenthood, as well as restaurants and the Houston Theater District. In a hurry? Stop by our complimentary hot breakfast bar and pick up a warm cinnamon roll…

Clerk: Welcome. What brings you to our hotel?
Man: We’re going to “take in an Astros game.”
Clerk: In a hurry?
Man: Well…
Clerk: We’re near many Houston landmarks!
Man: Like, maybe, um, a flower store?

Needless to say, this is where I’m staying. It’ll be like “Hills Like White Elephants” only with Roy Oswalt jerseys.

(See, doesn’t that wildly inappropriate conversation make up for yesterday’s Royals preview? I certainly hope so because now I feel bad).

1 Comment / Posted in Euphemisms, Flowers, Houston