Exhibit 14.14

Post-Thanksgiving Thoughts

I really meant to post something over the long weekend but instead I got sucked into killing time in other, less common ways like avoiding the repeatedly proffered horseradish-cranberry dressing and awkwardly handling what I’m told is “my” shotgun. The aftermath:

*November was my least bloggy month since…last November. The lesson here is that I’m easily distracted by holidays I don’t enjoy. Keep this in mind when you check for posts during National Radon Action Month.

*During an extended period of Friday malaise brought about by a bad writing day, I found myself watching television and caught four minutes of what I assume is the worst movie ever made (even the title is awesomely bad, not to mention the tagline).

Here’s the story: I was flipping channels and caught Delroy Lindo. Turns out, I stop flipping channels for Delroy Lindo. I actually enjoy knowing this about myself.

Anyway, I then saw Kirstie Alley who appears to be playing a mentally challenged person. I could tell because she’s slurring her words, talking in a high voice, and generally acting like she was ten. Let me save you the time looking this up: no, she did not win an Oscar. I was captivated by this performance like it was a train wreck on the deck of the Titanic which just hit the Hindenburg–give me a second to run a hyperbole check….nope, that’s about right–but then it got even worse/better because she started badgering a reluctant Delroy Lindo to propose to her.

Now, I’d been watching about thirty seconds of this movie so I had no grounding for what was happening, but I was convinced that Delroy Lindo’s character was flustered because he wasn’t mentally challenged and was just trying to find a nice way to say no. When he finally proposes, he looks like he’s just been given a death sentence (which I assume is what Kirstie Alley’s career was given after this performance! Snark!). So I turn off the TV and assume that our man Delroy is about to go buy some candy rings and find a janitor to pull off some kind of fake wedding when I look up the movie on IMDb and find out that they were both supposed to be mentally challenged.

Frankly, I like this even more because it means Delroy Lindo and Kirstie Alley had to have this conversation on the first day of shooting:

Delroy: Oh, are you going to do it like that?
Kirstie: Yes. How are you going to do it?
Delroy: Um, I’m going to do it a different way.
Kirstie: Different how?
Delroy: I don’t know, I was thinking dignified.
Kirstie: Youz gotz to get down on you kneeses to propos!

*As you can tell, it was a very memorable four minutes of watching the Lifetime Movie Network for me.

*James has me rethinking wearing ringer t-shirts. So there’s that. It was great to see him again, but I’m not sure he and his fiance had to deconstruct my carefully thought out “Guy who wears ringer t-shirts” persona so quickly. Or maybe they did.

*Also good to see: my cousin Chris (who has gotten bigger), Tyrone and Julee (who are the same great sizes), and my beloved grandmas (who are possibly smaller but still big in heart).

*The Dolphins now control their own playoff destiny, but it would mean winning two tough divisional road games. I would put their chances somewhere close to the odds that I finish The World According to Garp by the time the company book club meets.

*Oh, and I no longer have a brother. I can handle the turkey hunting, I can handle you not picking me up for Thanksgiving, but I draw the line at costing me 1st place.

*You’re getting close to crossing the line, too, Kaitlin, Dad, Brett, Dan Marino, Justin, weather, upstairs neighbor, and Jeff Tweedy.

2 Comments / Posted in Grandmas, Holidays, Lifetime Movie Network

Exhibit 13.10

Happy 90th Birthday, Grandma.

1 Comment / Posted in Birthdays, Grandmas, Still

Exhibit 10.24

As the next step of this blog’s continued devolution from hard hitting literary and political analysis to masochistic sports blog to smiley-faced cooking blog, this post is about cookies.

The Times occasionally takes it upon itself to decide what the best recipe for _______ is and recently they’ve turned their gaze to chocolate chip cookies. Their quest is detailed here which I’m redundantly linking to despite the fact it has inevitably been emailed to you by your grandmother. The recipe–a chronicle of cacao ratios and refrigeration times–is here.

Not wanting to miss the most recent cookie zeitgeist like we missed the Cakester fad, Heather and I already took a stab at these and I’m here to tell you they are nothing short of incredible.

In the oven they seemed threateningly puffy, the sort of lonely, doughy cookies that you see at a school potluck, but by the time they were done they’d settled into the perfect ratio of crispy outside and chewy inside.

Plus, look at that presentation. I wasn’t sure about the step calling for a brown table cloth, but the Times really came through.

Stay tuned as this blog continues to decline in coming weeks until it’s nothing but artwork done by Australian children:


2 Comments / Posted in Cooking, Grandmas, NY Times

Exhibit 9.25

I’ve never been good at, nor do I particularly like, taking pictures. Thankfully I wasn’t often behind the camera this past weekend so it gave me plenty of time to practice my smirk.

Yeah, that’s a good one.

I actually had to crop myself out of this picture. Given the angles, there’s no way they could have seen the absurd look on my face, but I’m pretty sure everyone in this picture was laughing at me anyway.

I’m related to all of those people.

This is actually from a different day. I dress like this all the time, incidentally.


Comment / Posted in Cases Against Perfection, Grandmas, Weekends

Exhibit 9.21

Favorites for My Brother’s Wedding Awards

Best Relative:

Best Entree:
Steak and Fish (tie)

Best opening line of my toast:
“As the McNultys taught us about marriage…”

Best Activity for Those Not at the Rehearsal Dinner:
Poetry Reading

Best Remaining Question from Redbelt:
Who ended up paying those bills?

Best Fake Spoiler:
Indiana Jones dies

Best Song:
“Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough”

Best Boy:
Terry Lewis

Best Man:

1 Comment / Posted in Grandmas, Poetry, Weekends