Exhibit 1.6.11

Election Day



Other things I would vote for if I could:

* This essay by Julia Cohen in The Kenyon Review.

* Doing the dishes while waiting for coffee to brew.

* This Sampson Starkweather poem at Everyday Genius.

* The Royals re-acquisition of Zack Greinke.

* The idea of retired dogs and the petting of same.

* Rany Jazayerli’s essay on the Republicans’ Muslim problem.

* The new volume of The Cupboard from Katie Jean Shinkle.

* Turtles. Just as, like, a thing.

1 Comment / Posted in Days, Elections, Vote

Exhibit 25.1

Earth Day

On the freeway today, a bird flew into my car. I choose to believe it survived because it’s Earth Day. I choose to believe it was trying to give me a hug.

I feel bad. About the bird.

1 Comment / Posted in Birds, Days, Holidays

Exhibit 22.22

You should check out the new Cincinnati Review which features a great poem from fellow Ulysses-class attendee Adam Day, a Malamud review from the lovely Erin McGraw, and a Tommy-inspired piece from the always incredible Kevin Wilson along with a lot of other amazing work. It’s the first journal I’ve picked up in a while and started reading at page one. It felt good. Consider supporting them.

My thing is mostly notable for being an adaptation of a 2002 Clint Eastwood movie. There’s an excerpt up on their website under Issues–>Upcoming if you want to read how I described his face. Here’s a hint: grizzled.

1 Comment / Posted in Days, Fiction, Journals

Exhibit 13.24

Savings Times I Prefer to Daylight Savings Time

Time Savings Savings Time – Every January 25th we get a 25-hour day with the understanding that the extra hour be used only to come up with creative time savings solutions like carrying a backpack to avoid unnecessary trips home or using a water pic for more efficient flossing. Every other day of the year is then 10 seconds shorter in order to make up this hour but this is okay because we’re all saving so much time. (Note: not recognized in the slothful parts of Indiana).

Timex Savings Savings Time – Same concept only as part of our time savings plan we know we’re going to need waterproof digital watches with stopwatch functionality in order to take showers exactly 4 minutes and 38 seconds long. So we get an extra hour to buy Timex watches at great discount. (Note: recognized in all of Indiana).

Daylight Savings Time – We all get a day to write letters to the movie studios begging them to re-release the 1996 Sylvester Stallone vehicle Daylight into theaters because we’re all ready to give it another chance. The movie studios always release Demolition Man instead because everyone gets sucked into watching it even when they don’t really want to. When Daylight savings time ends, we all go back to writing letters begging for a re-release of Cobra. You know Daylight Savings Time has ended or begun by using the mnemonic phrase, “Daylight covers the dirt path on which you walk, but you should still be careful not to step on any Cobras hiding in the grassy meadow.”

Tuesday Spending Time – Once every three years every day is a Tuesday because we’ve been saving our Tuesdays wisely. Our Timexs don’t recognize this so we take them off and bury them in the lawn in case they grow into clock trees. They never have, but only because we don’t water them. We forget because we made a note to do it every Wednesday, but the next Wednesday is 364 Tuesdays away. We make plans to have lunch on Tuesday but since we don’t know which Tuesday, I keep showing up at the restaurant and waiting. On Tuesday I have the bisque. On Tuesday I read a book. On Tuesday I write a letter to movie studios about re-releasing Cobra. On Tuesday I meet a person who was also waiting on someone and I suggested the bisque. On Tuesday I get sick of bisque. On Tuesday I stop showing up but you start showing up. On Tuesday you wait. On Tuesday you get sick of bisque.

Comment / Posted in Days, Second, Time

Exhibit 10.7

For those of you keeping track, for the first time since at least March, the sun fell and rose in the world of Judge Parker. That’s right, it’s been the same day in this fictional world of plot holes and questionable jurisprudence for over 100 real days.

Things that happened and level of excitement:

*Bus Ride – Relatively exciting
*Lawyering – Not at all exciting
*Snooping – A little exciting
*Almost but then not getting caught snooping – Negatively exciting
*Terrorist kidnapping – Exciting
*Flirting – Gross
*Drug ring arrests – Gross
*Prison visit – Positively exciting
*Bland night time recap – Lengthy

I just wish once I could have this conversation.

Me: How was your day?
You: I snooped, almost got caught snooping but didn’t, came home and talked for three days, was visited by the state police, and then I went to visit our neighbors in prison who, incidentally, I was snooping on because they were growing pot. There’s a story there, too, but let’s save it for when we have a week plus one extra long Sunday strip.
Me: What?
You: How was your spring?

If that happened, I wouldn’t even have the heart to reply with how my newly hired Iraq War veteran lawyer and my legal secretary almost got blown up but then, of course, didn’t.

Comment / Posted in Comics, Days, Judges

Exhibit 7.6

This was my Valentine’s Day present from Heather. I’ve been wanting this poster for a long time. Needless to say, it’s awesome. Actual conversation between Heather and the woman at Hobby Lobby when it was picked up after having been framed.

Woman: Ugh, who’d want a picture of Elliott Gould?
Heather: My boyfriend. It’s for Valentine’s Day.
Woman: Oh, and it says bullet. Who’d want that for Valentine’s Day?
Woman: Well, I guess it’s too late now.

This is what I got for Heather:

There was a necklace too. Still, I totally lost this holiday. I mean, I know that’s not how a person should think about it, but it’s true. I lost big.

1 Comment / Posted in Days, Flowers, Goulds