Alternatively Self-Congratulatory/Pitying

Exhibit 16.24

I imagine this will be a new feature on this blog where I don’t know what to say on the weekends and so I just copy and paste other people’s emails.

Not really, but I am going to do it just this once. It’s cool, I have permission. This conversation entertained me so much that I felt bad keeping it to myself. I often times feel this way. Don’t worry, I won’t post my emails with you even if I’d like to.

My friend–let’s call her Jayden. Let’s also not look at what I named the photos–and I had this conversation after I informed her I was going to have a new email address. Naturally, she sent back a slightly embarrassing picture of me from her wedding a couple of years ago.

Jayden
Gmail is all about automatically doing things for you whether you like it or not. On my gchat right now is some girl named Lauren who I ordered some apple cozies from, like, 5 months ago. She somehow ended up there and I can’t get rid of her. In fact, right now she is “angry about not being able to go to the pie party due to a certain professor’s inability to meet deadlines.” Pie party? Hmmmm. While that does sound like the type of party I would like to attend, I can’t because I have NO IDEA WHO SHE IS.


Me
I want to go to a pie party, but I never want to see that picture again. I mean, your wedding was great, but for me it will always be the night I got to 2nd Base with Chris Kelley. Is that how you think of it, too?

Jayden
Is this one better? Too bad I can’t remove the disembodied hand from your shoulder… although I do wonder now – why are Chris Kelley’s fingernails so very shiny?


Me

Nice work. I especially like you pointing out his fingernails as if I wouldn’t be able to find the only hand in the picture. You were right to do that.

Jayden
Yes indeed, it usually takes me at least 48 hours to crop a picture and draw on it with MS Paint. I have an entire folder of similar photographs that I used to land my current job. Potential clients really love it when I illustrate their proposals with the difficult to maneuver “circle” tool and my impressive freehand “paint” stylings. I’m pretty sure I have job security for life.

Me
I’d like to see you get in a fight with your boss where he tries to fire you and you say, “Oh, yeah, Bob, well who else is going to do the circles on the Murphy Portfolio? That’s what I thought!” Can you immediately go and say this to your boss for me?

Jayden
Well I would but don’t you think I should save it for the moment when I actually get fired? The way the architecture industry is going right now, I should only have to wait a few more weeks…But don’t worry, I already have a plan for that, should the time come.

Me
Baby?

That’s my plan. I don’t know how it’s going to work just yet, but when the banking industry finally dies and we all go back to buying things with leaves, I’m going to do the following:

Step 1) Baby
Step 2) ?

So it’s not a very good plan.

Jayden
Stripper. Duh.

Okay no. I was going to have Octuplets and then fund a leftist group using the money that I made off them…. but some bitch stole my idea. At least the first part.

Me
Doesn’t the stripper plan usually end with baby? Or maybe I’m just going to the worst strip clubs.

Jayden
Actually… if people are doing things in strip clubs that end with the production of a baby, doesn’t that mean you are actually going to the BEST strip clubs?

Me
Touche. You know a lot more about strip clubs than I imagined.

Jayden
Well a girl has to practice in order to make a living. But I get all my best material from the drag bar down the street.

Me
Oh, so you know my dad.

Jayden
He must be the one that takes the stage dressed as Lindsay Lohan.

Me
My dad is the one dressed as Peter Fonda. He really doesn’t understand what a drag bar is. I think he just likes the music. And the feather boas.

Jayden [within what seems like 30 seconds, as if she’d had the picture waiting for years in case someone made such a reference]
And…. I’m spent.


So that’s the end of my post that consists entirely of an email conversation I had. I know, I know, we all wish Jayden would write every blog post. We also wish I had given her a better pseudonym or at least one that didn’t make her sound like an eight-year old beauty pageant contestant. Unfortunately you’re stuck with me and what I have to say about Juan Cruz.

I have lots to say about Juan Cruz.

1 Comment / Posted in Alternatively Self-Congratulatory/Pitying, Emails, Fire Hazards

Exhibit 15.6

“The End Copy” / © 2008 Randy Thurman

The new issue of NOÖ is up right here. There’s a lot of good work to start the year with, work that is all kinds of awesome from people you like.

And me, too, though I think we all know how you feel about me at this point. Don’t let that stop you from checking out the others. I’ll just be over here thinking about football while you’re away.

[whistling]

Comment / Posted in Alternatively Self-Congratulatory/Pitying, Journals, Writing